How I’ve Evolved as a Person Since My Diagnosis

As a chronically ill person, I can easily feel depressed about how much my life has changed over the past year and how little control I have over certain aspects of my life. There are parts of the former me that I mourn and long for again. And yet, at the same time, I am also proud of who I am becoming, and I know that this growth would likely not have occurred if I hadn’t gotten sick. 

I am a more authentic version of myself because I do not have the energy or capacity to “fake it” anymore. When my trusted friends ask me how I am, I say how I am genuinely feeling and doing, and I don’t hide behind a mask of “I’m doing just fine.” And in speaking the truth about who I am and my struggles, I have found more profound and genuine relationships with my closest friends because when I let down my armor, they do too. I’ve found some of the loveliest humans in the chronic illness community; people I can now call, text, and DM who understand what it is like to live with something as life-changing as a chronic disease and share in my laughter and tears. It’s lonely pretending that things are better than they are, and it’s a relief to have people in my life who are done pretending too. 

I am now someone who believes in the beauty of “and.” Life can be challenging, messy, and difficult, AND it can be beautiful and worth living. I do not try to push away or hide my pain; I have also learned to celebrate the small joys and moments in life. I used to think that if I was suffering and out of work, I had to make myself smaller, apologetic, and only dedicate myself to my healing, and now, I know better. I can focus on my recovery, live proudly, and open my arms to hope and joy. 

I celebrate my newfound flexibility and desire to be a recovering perfectionist and aspiring good-enoughist, as Brene Brown says. I am learning that my best looks different each day, which sometimes means finding the strength to get out of bed and take care of my most basic needs. And some days, my best looks like tackling everything on my to-do list and more. 

I am less apologetic now, and not in a negative sense. I realize how much of my life I spent apologizing for things outside my control; “I’m sorry” became a habit and an easy phrase, but it also led to a lot of self-loathing and blame. Now, I am much more inclined to advocate for myself, my body, and its needs and not apologize when I have done nothing wrong. Instead, I thank people for being patient, understanding, or flexible when I need to shift plans, which has led to less self-flagellation, too.

I am not who I was a year ago, and now, I realize that that is quite a beautiful thing.