The Reality of Being a Chronically Ill Graduate Student

It’s tough when your body, heart, and mind don’t cooperate. I am six weeks into the 10-week fall quarter of graduate school, and this past Thursday, I had to take my first sick day and miss class. The worst part was that this was my most demanding week of graduate school and included two presentations, one in each course.

I barely made it through my Monday presentation, but it helped that after I finished it, I could listen to the rest of them while lying down since it was my virtual class. My heart rate has been so erratic, jumping up to 131 bpm at one point while I was sitting at my desk. At one point, I was curled up under a pile of blankets with a weighted blanket on my lap, an ice pack around my neck, my headache halo around my head, and my pulse oximeter on my index finger, just wishing for the class to speed up so I could go back to bed for real.

My second group presentation was supposed to happen Thursday night during my in-person class, and I hate feeling like I let people down, specifically my group mates. I created all my slides ahead of time, and when I realized I couldn’t make it into class because I could barely get out of bed without feeling dizzy or having heart rate spikes, I had to text my classmates and email my professor.

Luckily, I’m learning to be adaptable. I propped myself up in bed and proceeded to voice record my portion of the presentation so that my groupmates could play my part when they got to it during the class presentation. I wish things were so much easier and that I could be there in person and confident that my body could withstand doing a presentation during a flare. But I’m learning that I can’t control this, which means that when I have to step back, it’s not because of a lack of determination or effort. This illness is unpredictable, but I am not unreliable.

I am sad, though, because I had visions that I was getting closer to being my former self, and I realize that it’s not fair to me to continue to expect that from myself. I am intelligent and capable; that’s still true. It’s also true that just because I have to do things differently or slower doesn’t mean my journey is any less valid.