Why Meeting New People is Painfully Awkward When You’re Chronically Ill

Society has conditioned us to say two things when we meet new people: “What’s your name,” and “So, what do you do for work?” These seem like innocuous questions to most people because it’s a starting point in conversations, but this can easily be a loaded question for someone who may not be able to work due to medical conditions or do the type of work they used to do. When someone looks at me, they expect to get the typical answer of “Oh, I work as a ______,” or “I’m studying ______,” not that I’m currently managing my health full-time. Nor do I necessarily want to reveal something so personal within five seconds of meeting someone. It’s tough when I’ve spent months in therapy working to unwind how much of my self-worth and identity have been influenced by “what I do” instead of who I am. So sometimes, I do fall back on the old replies of “I’m a grad student” or “I’m an educator” because I am, just not currently. I don’t want to deal with the influx of personal questions that will follow if I say I’m on medical leave. And if I make the mistake of saying cryptically, “I’m not working right now,” I’d surely get, “Oh, you’re so lucky,” which is the furthest from the truth. I am privileged to be able to have the ability to prioritize my health at the moment. But my situation is not lucky, not when I would give anything to have the capacity to work again, and being sick this long has had financial consequences.

In addition to the job question, if I meet someone new and they learn that I’m married, nine times out of ten, someone asks, “Oh, do you want kids?” or “Do you have children yet?” And these questions make me want to collapse into a fetal position and die right there on the spot because it’s not socially appropriate to burst into tears at the mention of children and pregnancy. Still, it’s a sensitive subject for me. My husband and I have spent years desperately wanting children but cannot have them – at least right now – because of my current health challenges. Again, not something I’m going to reveal to a nosy stranger I met two minutes ago. So I try to paste on a smile and say, “No, we don’t,” and pray there are no follow-up questions. 

So when an invitation arrives to go to a party where I only know one or two people, it brings up a lot of uncertainty because I know all of these conversations await me and the pain from avoiding these land mines. And sometimes, that makes it easier to say no, and avoid the conversational gymnastics.

My advice to those meeting new people at a party is to avoid asking triggering, invasive questions. You have no idea the kind of pain you’re unearthing by asking about kids or careers, not to mention supporting the stereotype that the best thing a woman can do is reproduce and the capitalistic notion that our productivity is equal to our worth. Instead, challenge yourself to ask people more inventive, thoughtful questions, such as “What’s been bringing you joy lately? What’s your favorite weekend activity?” And let them take the conversation where they’d like to go. Trust me, I would be relieved to get such a novel question at a party and not be so scared to go the next time.